by Jonathan Tsang

FADE IN:

EXT. TROUSDALE WALKWAY - NIGHT

STARBUCKS, 38, a twin-tailed siren with a starry crown on her wavy black and white hair, slithers behind a table on the campus walkway. The stall is stacked with different coffee bags.

She munches on a coffee bean.

STARBUCKS
(munching)
Mmmm. Remarkable coffee with a depth
and versatility — a perfect pairing with a
variety of gourmet entrees and desserts.
(pause)
I give the world - Guatemala Casi
Cielo!

JON TSANG, voice in the sky, thunders from the clouds.

JON TSANG (V.O.)
Starbucks... sometimes you can get
over-the-top with using exoticism to
sell your products.

STARBUCKS
Never you mind, voice in the sky!

CBTL, 46, a large anthropomorphic coffee bean, bounces towards Starbucks, the two tiny leaves above its head flowing gently in the wind.

STARBUCKS
Coffee Bean.

CTBL
That’s “The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf”
to you, Starbucks. What are you
doing here this late?

STARBUCKS
Why, handing out late night
frappuccinos, of course. They’re
one of the hippest drinks on campus.

JON TSANG (V.O.)
It’s true. People wear
Starbucks like it’s another piece
of designer clothing. The plastic
cup and the green straw - it’s all
part of the outfit.

CTBL
No thanks to you, J.T.!

JON TSANG (V.O.)
I’m just saying...!

A group of giggling girls pass by. They each grab a frappuccino from the table then continue along their way.

CTBL
Do they even know how unhealthy
those things really are?

JON TSANG (V.O.)
That’s a good point. Even
the plain sounding Coffee Frappuccino
packs 10mg of cholesterol and a whopping
31g of sugar in a small, 12 fl. oz.
cup.

CBTL (CONT.)
Also, it’s 11 p.m.! They don’t
need the caffeine!

JON TSANG (V.O.)
Students here drink coffee at
ungodly hours.

STARBUCKS
Shush, J.T.! Whose side are you on
anyway? CTBL has been copying
us all along. We started doing the
whole “love the environment” theme
first. Then CTBL went ahead and copied
us with cup holders made from
recycled materials.

JON TSANG (V.O.)
Well nowadays, being environmental
is sexy and it sells.

CTBL
The difference is that we actually
care about what we do. All you care
about is stamping your despicable
green logos everywhere and making
people say ridiculous words like
grande and venti.

JON TSANG (V.O.)
I agree. Sometimes Starbucks overuses
marketing ploys to expand their
customer base instead of focusing on
the actual end product.

STARBUCKS
Hey! There’s a reason why there’s at
least five places on campus where you
can get my coffees.

JON TSANG (V.O.)
You do have a dominating presence
here on USC, though at times it feels
like USC is forcing branding on the
Trojans.

CTBL
You know all those “We Proudly Brew
Starbucks Coffee” signs and vendors on campus?
You don’t even care enough to give them the
recipes for making frappuccinos. The
poor girl making the drink doesn’t even
know what a “Creamice” is.

JON TSANG (V.O.)
I was confused myself when I could not order a
frappuccino on campus. Lots of students feel cheated because nobody explained why.

STARBUCKS
I trust that Trojans know how to pick
the best. They only go for the original.

JON TSANG (V.O.)
Interesting you bring up the point,
since CTBL was actually established
first for a full eight years.

YOGURTLAND and PINKBERRY, infant anthropomorphic yogurt cartoons, crawl by.

YOGURTLAND and PINKBERRY
Gagagagaga gagaga!

JON TSANG (V.O.)
Stop complaining! I didn’t even
start comparing the parallels
of froyo and coffee culture yet!

FADE OUT.