Don’t let the title of this article alarm you. I am not talking about the newest “Team Jacob” hoodie from Hot Topic. No, I am referring to a new book coming out next Tuesday entitled Nightlight, the newest parody from Harvard Lampoon, the university’s undergraduate spoof publishers. The book revolves around characters Bella Goose and Edwart Mullen (loosely based on Bella Swan and Edward Cullen).

Perhaps I am getting ahead of myself by saying that this book is awesome. I really don’t even need to read it to know that this is true. I certainly plan on reading it, but nonetheless, the mere thought of something making fun of Twilight in book form leaves this bookworm giddy.

Here is an excerpt from the book, which like the series it parodies, is written from Bella's point of view:

“About three things I was absolutely certain, First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him—which I assumed was wildly out of his control—that wanted me dead. And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he had kissed me.”

To be contrasted with its twin passage from Twilight:

“About three things I was certain. First, Edward Cullen was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him, and I don't know how dominant that part might be, that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”

Devoted readers of The Seesaw already know my sincere dislike for the Twilight series. I have yet to understand why anyone can seriously, with a brain in their head, defend it as a piece of literature. Entertaining? Sure! I laughed my face off. A timeless love story? Dear God in heaven, I hope not!

However, I was surprised to find that there were students, who attend Harvard no less, that have some qualms about this parody. Freshman Pamela M. Rosario Perez was quoted in The Harvard Crimson saying, “I hope the Lampoon does it in good taste, or else they will offend a lot of Twilight fans.”

Good point, Pamela. We can only hope that the distinguished, classy comedic writers at the Lampoon don’t offend anyone. Heaven forbid! Because, that’s really what the Lampoon is all about.

As if they would care about offending people with a sad, sad obsession with probably the most ridiculous series to ever print. And, perhaps this is rude, but I think die-hard fans of the Twilight series could use some offending.

The fact of the matter is this: the Twilight series is a piece of comedy gold on its own, but with a little tweaking courtesy of one of the most renowned comedic writing groups in the country, it’s a comedic goldmine. And that’s certainly worth tapping into.

A recent episode of Saturday Night Live featured an opening act which placed Fred Armisen in his most notable role as President Barack Obama. The skit situated President Obama at his desk in the oval office, speaking to America about the “change” that he has brought since coming into office almost nine months ago.

The skit poked fun at President Obama’s recent failure in trying to bring the 2016 Olympics to Chicago. Furthering this type of result, the President gave a checklist about the successes or failures of the policies that he has tried to enact since getting into office. The list showed that none of the President’s policies or promises has been carried through as of yet.

Healthcare reform.....no. Troops out of Iraq...no. Gays in the military...no. And, the list goes on and on.

After watching the skit, I came to a new-found perception about Republican conduct since President Obama has been in office.

The Republicans are riled up and I don’t know why.

Of course, opposition to a president is normal. Criticism from the opposition party has occurred under every president’s term in office.

When George W. Bush was in office, democrats condemned his every action. They criticized every speech and laughed at every dumb remark that he made. They came together to poke fun at a president that would only exist in their worst nightmares.

And, they were passionate about making sure that, after Bush’s eight long years in office, a democrat would win the next election.

That’s why they put all of their hopes and dreams in Barack Obama, the candidate who promised to bring much needed “change.” And, fortunately for them, these hopes and dreams came true when Obama was ushered into office last January.

This is when Republicans and Democrats switched roles. Republicans are building up their opposition to the president. And they seem to be criticizing much louder and stronger than Democrats ever did.

Before Obama’s 100 days were even up, Republicans came up with a new strategy: to band together and criticize President Obama’s every move. They are doing this with whatever ploy they can use. They shout and holler and criticize at every possible opportunity.

Rush Limbaugh, who has all the admiration of the conservative right and all the hatred of the liberal left, was quick to declare: “I hope Obama fails!” This sentiment served its purpose of getting the Republican Party riled up against President Obama.

Republicans want President Obama to fail. Bill Clinton seems to agree with that.

Recently, he was asked if a “right-wing conspiracy” still existed and if it was gearing up against President Obama. Clinton responded in the affirmative.

According to the former president, “their agenda seems to be wanting him to fail, and that’s not a good prescription for a good America.”

Republicans want President Obama to fail because they claim that America is turning socialist because of him. They are looking at the president’s policies and becoming increasingly angry. They are so angry that they don’t even care what they do to show their opposition. Republicans are even finding justification to shout “You Lie!” during a presidential address to Congress (ahem *Joe Wilson*). But, really, this Republican anger seems a bit irrational.

Though Obama has a majority in both the House and Senate, seemingly making him be able to do whatever the hell he wants, he has always tried to compromise with Republicans and listen to their opposition, something that no socialist dictator would be willing to do. This willingness to compromise proves that President Obama is not a president who is going to make such extreme and rash decisions. He is merely a Democratic president and is going to act accordingly.

Republicans can scream and holler at President Obama’s every action, but no matter how loud they are, I can't figure out why they are so angry. Change has yet to come. As the SNL skit so clearly put it, none of President Obama’s promises have even been carried out after almost a year in office.

Though I believe it is still too early to tell what is going to happen with Obama’s presidency, but the SNL skit aptly pointed out the severe lack of the change that we had voted for.

So, why are the Republicans riled up when, in reality, it’s the democrats that should be angry?

One thing I’ve noticed about people here is their urge to be “cool”.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind seeing guys around wearing Smalls when they really should be wearing Large. In fact, I applaud them for taking initiative in conserving fabric. God knows how many girls don’t have enough of it. But after witnessing people trip for the umpteenth time at night while wearing D&G shades, I have had enough. Somebody once said, “If you can’t beat them, join them.” So I did. I went and got myself a scooter.

Half an hour after I borrowed a Razor from my friend, I already got weird looks from my suite-mates at Fluor. Whether it was the obsoleteness of the kick-scooter or my face of absolute terror as I ran into their doors I’ll never know, but one thing was certain - the scooter is not normally considered cool. In the hierarchy of vehicular coolness, I imagine, the graffitied skateboard took the top spot with the ubiquitous “injured athlete”-carrying golf cart a near second, while the scooter fought for the penultimate place with a baby stroller. Yes, I get it. There are other things that would move you closer up that social ladder. But if there’s anything I retained at high school it was this - be a rebel. You should’ve seen my yearbook picture.

Knowing full well that I had to do something extreme with my scooter and fast, I decided to take it down to the intersection of 34th and McClintock for a test run. This seemed perfectly sensible at time. There would be lots of people at the crossroads passing through at any time, so nobody would see in the unfortunate event that I happened to lose my balance. The road was also fairly flat, meaning that I wouldn’t have to break a sweat daintily kicking my way across to Century. What could go wrong?

Feeling cool and hip, I walked my just-polished scooter to the very edge of the road, and waited for the compliments to stream forth. I eyed the cheerful looking girl next to me, who was dressed in a tight pink top and jogging shorts. She glanced at me briefly then looked away, seeming more interested in a nearby tree. I frowned at her swishing ponytail, and focused myself on the task. When the walking man sign came on, I took off from the sidewalk like Sam Witwicki escaping from Megatron. For a moment, the world was a blur, and I was speeding through life while being hysterically drunk.

Then came reality in the form of a crack on the road. My trusty Razor careened under an aquamarine station wagon while I tried to hit the ground with as much dignity as possible. Ignoring the pain that was shooting up my knees and palms, I gracefully sat on my thighs with my calves pointing in opposite directions, attempting to look like this was exactly what I had wanted to do. I smiled at the ponytail girl jogging past me. She furrowed her plucked eyebrows at me, then continued jogging away. Scanning the intersection for more pedestrians, I waved a polite “how do you do” to all of them before serenely untangling my bleeding knees to retrieve my scooter. I cried in the shower that night.

Miraculously, however, my pride recovered faster than my joints. I did a little better the next day, managing to return to my room with only a sprained ankle. Then that became a scraped elbow and then a hole in my jeans until finally, I scootered over to Century one day without hurting myself at all.

Maybe without my acute awareness of social hierarchy I would not have arrived at the point where I am today. Who knows? Perhaps I could’ve tried a new instrument, picked up a few girls or learnt how to insult peoples’ mothers in three different languages. The possibilities are deliciously unfathomable. But when I sort through my hideous sweaters my mom forced me to put in the suitcase and see my torn Levi’s, I’d never forget what delightful adventures me and my scooter had one freshman year at college.

Many students on campus use a contraption called the bicycle; however, a small percentage of said students actually exhibit an ability to properly use the two-wheeled mode of transportation. I, for one, find the whole idea far too frightening. Trying to navigate my way through a sea of students, whilst balancing? No thank you! I have decided to stick with the old school way of moving about. You may have heard of it, it’s called walking.

You see many of us were lucky enough to be born with functioning legs and have made use of them through the power of step. I was attracted to this archaic mode of transportation mostly because it was free, whereas I not only have to pay for a bicycle, I actually have to go out and find one. I hoped that the walkers and the bicycle riders on campus could coexist and live in peace, however, the different styles of moving has left many bruised and scraped from “accidents.”

Walkers have been left helpless under the relentless tread of bicycle tires. Some riders have become reckless, trying to steer and talk on their cellular devices, causing the rider to zigzag all over the place. It’s almost as if they were intoxicated! This effect is worsened when they try to type on their electronic devices as they ride. Certainly this is hazardous to pedestrians as well as other riders. I have witnessed many accidents where one out of control rider crashes into another as they both fall into a heap of metal and flesh. The madness must end! I have to wonder: is the campus so astronomically vast for some people that they can’t possibly make their way through by foot? Perhaps I have some innate physical ability that makes me an Olympic walker, while others cannot stand to trek the distance. But I cannot believe this to be the case; I have seen many others take on the feat of walking a half-mile without the use of a bike. So, why does one need to use this dangerous machine?

I have been lead to believe that time is the deciding factor in this issue. Many students have stated that riding a bicycle gets them to their destination faster. This seems like a valid reason, however, I often see riders struggling to stay on their two wheels because the pedestrian traffic is so backed up that they aren’t really riding their bicycle; rather they are balancing on it as they move millimeter by millimeter. Certainly, they cannot be saving time in this instance. Yet, for some reason, they are unwilling to step off the bike and walk. Is there a fear of walking? Or perhaps these USC citizens have grown attached to their two-wheelers. No matter the reason, the mass of riders on campus has become  dangerous. Bicycles of all colors and designs seem to multiply outside of every campus buildings. The bicycle population has grown too high!

But I am being rash. Maybe it isn’t the poor bicycle’s fault. After careful contemplation, I recognize that the problem has to do with the mass of students that are on campus throughout the day. Walkways become congested, as people bump into each other. This already hairy situation is worsened with bicycles, which have a hard time navigating through the thin walkways and slow walkers. But not only this, the average bicycle rider is not talented enough to get through this maze unscathed. Riding a bicycle down the street is one thing, but riding it down a narrow walkway with subtle turns in between meandering people? That takes some serious talent. The solution to the issue: lose the bike.

I know, I know. Walking is so tiring, it takes forever, you’ll never get to class on time, your legs hurt, blah, blah, blah. But consider this, when walking you can actually enjoy the scenery, whereas on a bicycle you’re too focused on not hitting the countless bodies blocking your way. And no offense, but we could all use the exercise.

It’s hard to ignore the vampire-romance series Twilight written by Stephanie Meyer, even if you want to. It’s even harder for me to wrap my head around the idea that there are people, hordes of them, who revere the book as a superior piece of literature.

The book has sold 17 million copies worldwide and the film adaptation made close to $70 million in its first weekend. This is ridiculous. That is the only word to describe the entire series and its devoted fan following: ridiculous.  You may have seen someone wearing a ‘Team Edward’ or ‘Team Jacob’ shirt, a reference to two of the main characters.  Facebook has also become an outlet for Twilight fans to proclaim their love for Edward Cullen (Status Update: [Name of Twilight Fan] is I WISH I HAD AN EDWARD CULLEN!). One particularly sad blurb on the popular site fmylife.com caught my eye: “Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her ‘Edward.’ I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy of her ‘Twilight’ book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML.

I found the series entertaining, mostly because it made me feel like a superb writer while simultaneously making me laugh out loud at its quality. The writing is mediocre, at best. Stephen King recently said that Stephenie Meyer “can’t write worth a darn.” This statement caused an uproar among Twilight lovers who came to Meyer’s defense via the Internet.

This is a prime example of the blind faith of Meyer’s fan base. I can understand why people would read the book; it is a page-turner in all of its absurdity. As USC sophomore Morgan Dameron put it, “there are no characters in that book, only outlines.” While fellow sophomore Lauren Perez agrees with Dameron, she opines that its popularity might be a good thing, “as long as it gets people into a bookstore.”  But English professor Emily Anderson disagrees with Perez’s sentiment, lamenting “that the mere act of picking up a book and flipping through some pages is something to be celebrated.” She continues, “Stephanie Meyer tapped into something that the public wanted, which is rather disturbing.” So, why are these books so popular?

Freshman Louis Lucero thinks he knows why: “Edward [the hero/vampire] is what all little girls want.” Now, here’s my main problem with the series. I can look past the irrationality of vampires sparkling in sunlight, and I can look past the horrific birth scene in the fourth book, but I cannot accept this idea that the vampire, Edward Cullen, is the ideal boyfriend.

This viewpoint seems to place me in the minority. Many readers overlook the countless times when Edward’s ‘protective love’ of the heroine, Bella Swan, borders on abuse. One example: he takes the engine out of her car so she can’t visit her werewolf friend, Jacob. Most Twilight fans defend this act by saying that Edward was merely protecting her. OK, let me get this straight: Bella is dating a fricken’ vampire, and yet it’s too dangerous for her to visit a werewolf? For those of you who don’t know much about the series, let that idea sink in.

But, there is something more to it than just the fans’ idolatry of Edward. To be painfully blunt, the heroine of the book, Bella Swan, is stupid. Just consider that she has decided to date a bloodthirsty, undead monster. That’s pretty stupid. Professor Anderson states that throughout the book Bella “is always physically weaker than the people around her.” She is also essentially a highly concentrated form of the damsel in distress with no character, unless she has a male hero to give her one. When her beautiful Edward leaves her, she turns to Jacob to give her some kind of personality. In fact, the book skips the months where Bella had to deal with her post-breakup pain alone; the reader jumps back in when Bella rediscovers Jacob. She is merely a counterpart to the male presence…even though she is the supposed protagonist. Sophomore Lauren Perez sums my sentiment up succinctly, “[Twilight] takes a blow at the last 80 years or so of feminism.”

Despite all this, it remains popular and intrigues many. Senior Hannah Kim admitted, “I sort of want to read it because it started such a phenomenon.” And so the madness continues…